State your name after the tone...

...followed by the hash key.
These are the last words you hear before being plunged into a world of pain.

I'm talking about conference calling, or as we in the industry call them – “concalls”.
Concalls are a form mental torture cleverly disguised as "collaboration".

The basic gist of a concall is, a group of people get on their respective phones and 'dial in' to a shared phone call and talk to one another.

The aim of the game is to talk in the most dull, monotone voice for as long as possible. Whoever gets the most air-time wins.

More often than not I take a non-speaking role in these games of endurance. My main objective for each call is not to push the agenda or chase up action points, but to stay conscious

There are a couple of reasons for this:
- Hunching over when unconscious is an OH&S nightmare.
- You need to be ready for the unexpected "line checker".

I've been caught out more than I'd like to admit. It's the moment where your concall induced slumber is abruptly interrupted by a "is that right Jiwan? What do you think?"

What ensues is a moment of pure panic, you're mind is flooded with questions like:
"why am I awake?","who said that?","where am I and why does my neck hurt?", "what the heck are we talking about?"

And after you've wiped the dribble from the corner of your mouth, you quickly realise you have two choices:

- Admit guilt and ask for them to repeat the last half hour of discussion.
- Pretend that you're still in the game, and always have been.

And because no one likes a failure, you always opt for path number two.
Here are two of my game-savers:
- "Sorry, the receptions really bad here and I only got bits of the last 5 minutes, could you repeat the question"
- "Could you rephrase the question please?"
- "Yes I agree?"

Either way, there is no avoiding the dreaded concall so I'm doing my best to keep them exciting.
Maybe I'll adopt a speaking role for my next appearance.